Outdoorsy

I had to drag myself out of the bed this morning. It is not that I slept late last night causing me feel tired. In fact, I slept just on time…nine to be exact. The feeling of exhaustion must have come from the fact that it has been a week since he left for more than a moth-long seminar/workshop/community immersion in Indonesia and Thailand.

For the first time in the four years we have been together, he went away for a very long trip. I swear I wanted to faint as I saw him walk past me and on to the departure area of the airport. I was close to tears yet I had to held it back. He would not want me to cry.

If only I could, I would have gone with him. However, that is clearly impossible. So, here I am writing this blog as I try to take on another uneventful day without him.

I terribly miss how he would imitate my facial expression then say “Sosyal!” as my reaction to almost everything he would say. I miss his telephone calls in the morning just as I was starting to battle the long day ahead. I miss the text messages he sends me from time to time telling of nothing important. I miss walking at the mall while holding his hand. I guess I could go on and on and list all of the things I miss about him. After all, he is amazing to be with.

He may be far from being perfect yet no one could ever take his place. He is my best friend, my worst enemy, my closest ally, and my evil instigator. He is all that and more.

And until he comes back, I would be left alone to do the things we usually do together.

(It is just so hard to cope up with the absence of someone very dear and important. I just could not imagine how people who have to deal with the loss of a loved one make it through each day without their special someone. Thus, with all admiration, I salute all those who lost someone dear yet who bravely conquer everyday to make it through their tough time. Special salutation to my Toh Noli who recently lost his wife Sally to cancer for making it through the “storm” and for doing the best job of being a mom and a dad to my cousins Chelo and Carl Noli.)

I should have written this at the start of the new year but hey who says I cannot do this list at this time of year? Duh, this is not a New Year’s resolution. So here goes…

The start of the year was not very appealing to me. I hate to think that the curse of the past year was trying to follow me until now yet I could not think of any other reason why things seem not to fall in their proper places. Call me bitter. I could not care less.

And so after facing yet another hell week (which has been a real roller coaster ride of emotions), I had this brilliant idea of listing down the things I would want to happen or achieve at the end of this year (hopeless optimist?). Should I remain focused, I hope to see the things in this list become realities. I hope for no more unwanted circumstances.

This year …

a. I want to try travelling alone. In my 23 years of existence, I have never tried going to another place by myself and I think it’s high time to attempt doing so. I have to admit that during most of my travels, I tend to be really dependent on the people I am with. So this year, I want it to be different! I want to visit place/s I have never been to and be totally independent. I guess it would be fun to run around a strange place, get lost and be on my home not knowing for sure how I have done it.

b. I want to enrol in Law School. I am not exactly the type of person you would ever think of becoming a lawyer. I am way too “kikay” to be in court. But my personality does not entirely say what I am capable of. Now that I have thought of it, I am probably Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde.

c. I want to learn how to swim and go scuba diving. In UP, we were always told to either sink or swim. Back then, I chose to swim and be on my top shape to finish school on time. In real life, however, I never learned how to swim, which left me sinking in the water all the time. So, I want to learn how to swim. After all, I never know when it’s going to come in handy. After learning how to swim (and finally braving the water), I want to go scuba diving and see for myself what wonders are to be found under the sea. I have heard raving comments about the beauty under water and it would definitely be nice to experience the splendour others are so found of by myself.

d. I want to try designing a dress and have it made. I am the hopeless “fashionista”, true. I see so many styles inside my head that at times I think I could be a designer. Bad news…I do not know how to sketch my designs. Therefore, seeing my design made into a real dress would be so satisfying. I may not have the occasion to wear that dress to but then again, I might be invited to an event in which I would have good use for my dress.

e. I hope to buy a car. I may not be earning that much but I can always have a loan right? Buying it may be more of a liability than an asset but I need it. Once I get into Law School, chances are I would have to go home at the time when there is no more tricycle available. Having to ride a taxi every night until I graduate would make those operators filthy rich because of my money. So, might as well have my own ride

f. I hope to learn Capoiera. I really get jealous of the people who know Capoiera. They seem to have so much fun while doing their moves that I often wish I know how to do the same stuff. I have not found, as of yet, any gym in Davao City that teaches such so I am still looking for a place where they offer Capoiera for me to start grooving.

g. I hope to move to my own little haven. I loved the independence I have had when I was in a dormitory back in college. Then, I had to take care of my self and my stuff since neither my mom nor my aunt was there to do that for me. I learned to live by noodles and crackers for weeks. I knew how to wash clothes without spending the whole day doing so. I think it is exciting to have that kind of life again at this point. I would have to live within my means and that would be a great challenge considering I am a real spender. Having my own place would also allow me to exercise my creativity. I could design the interior of my place and choose the home furnishings that I want. I could paint my wall with loud colors and have my furniture in earth tones…very much like what I often see at the spa. I have this “Oriental” interior in my mind and I know it would be so cool to have it become a reality.

h. I hope to have a weeklong vacation by the beach. Given the opportunity to do, I hope to stay at a remote vacation house located near the beach. I would love to doze off on a “duyan” and feel the soothing sound of waves rushing to the sea. I would love to smell the fresh air of the beach and feel the sun on my skin. I would be bringing books and read it coupled with fresh “buko” juice. Hmmmm…wonderful treat.

I told you this is no New Year’s resolution. Though the first quarter of the year is almost over, I am hoping, praying and keeping my fingers crossed that all these shall become realities. Armed with my list, I hope to have a better year ahead although the curse of the past seems to be following me.

My brother Czyryll is such a spoiled brat. It must be our 12-year age gap plus the fact that he is the only kid at home that made him one. He always gets what he wants since he knows he is the baby in the family. Well, he may not be a real baby in all sense of the word (he is already 11; much bigger and much heavier than my mom and I) but we treat him like one.

Guilty! We are to blame for how he is acting.

Anyway, one lazy Sunday morning, he went inside my room and headed towards my bed. He asked me to move so he, too, could sleep on my soft clean sheets. I was not really in the mood to cuddle and bond with him that moment since I was still so sleepy that I turned my back on him. Then, he tagged me from behind so I turned to face him.

My little bro was sheepishly smiling that I knew right away that he was up to something. So asked him what he wanted. In reply he just said, “Wala lang gud te. Namiss lang tika. One week gud ka wala. Langga-langga lang gud ta”. However, I was not so convinced with what he said. “Sure ka? Basi naa kay kinahanglan sa ako. Sige nah. Sulti dayon. Basi mabungol na ko unya di na jud hinuon nako madungog unsa imung gusto. Bahala ka’. He was still hesitant. “Sige, matulog sa ko ug balik. Mataha lang ko kung musulti na ka”, I told him. “Ayyy, ate pod oi! Sige na gud”. Silence. Then he finally said. “Te, dili na lang ko papalit cell phone with camera. Paliti na lang kog guitar. Kana na lang imung graduation gift sa ako”.

I was right after all. He was not inside my room because he missed me. He was there because he wanted something from me.

“Gitara?! Heller? Kabalo ba diay ka magtugtog? ”, I asked. Ever willing to air out his side, he said “Dili. Kaya gani ko papalit para naa koy praktisan”.

“Wait lang ha. Pwede isipon sa nako? Besides, wala baya jud ko nagsulti palitan tikag cell phone”, I said. “Te, mas barato man ang gitara. Afford na jud nah nimu oi. Pleasssssssseeeee”, he pleaded with eyes almost close to tears.

I knew he was not really going to cry. He is an actor after all … an actor who has mastered his craft through years of constant practice. I knew he was pretending yet he was starting to break my heart. So I asked him, “Unya, kung palitan tika, unsa man akong makuha? Alangan naman pang gift lang ang gitara. Mahal kaya gihapon nah”. He was not able to answer for a while. “Sige te, magbinut-an ko. Maghugas kog plato. Magstudy ko sa akong lesson. Tanan grades nako buhaton nako line of 8. Magtuo ko kay mama, papa ug sa imu. Sige na te. Pleasssssssseeeee lang jud. Paliti ko bah’, he finally said.

Enjoying how frail he looked while he was pleading, I went on with the conservation. After all, moments like that do not usually happen. He does not usually plead. He just demands and show that bratty attitude should his whims not be given.

I said, “Mahal man jud nah oi. Dili ko ka-afford”. He must have figured it all out since he said “Tunga na lang gd mo ni Kuya ______”, referring to my beau, “kani na lang inyong gift sa ako”.

Brilliant! He really got it all figured out.

So, I finally gave in. “Ok. Storyahon nako si kuya”. He went closer to me, gave me a kiss on my cheek and real tight hug. Then he said, “Thank kaayo te. Happy kaayo ko”.

It has been months since Czyryll and I had the conversation. Although he would be graduating soon, I have not looked for the guitar he was asking for but I intend to keep my promise… I am buying him one.

Since the time we had that talk, he exerted effort to keep his word. True enough, he strive to wash the dishes, obey my parents and me, study his lessons and maintain grades not lower than 80 (which is unlikely by the way because he is such a brat).

With all that he did just so he can have his guitar, I could not dare to break his heart. I intend to keep my word the way that Czyryll has kept his. Should I disappoint him, I am certain he would never believe any word I say…he would never endeavor to keep his promise as well.

I am not perfect for him to emulate. I just want him to believe in me.

Through the very simple gesture of buying him that guitar, I know he would trust me…my words.

For a trust that was lost is hard to regain; I would not want that to happen to my brother and me.

Men and women are just not the same. Apart from the difference on what’s between their legs, numerous other things differentiate men and women. I guess I need not explain the anatomical make up of these two species, which seemingly has nothing in common yet most of them end up being with each other. What sets them apart from each other, structurally speaking of course, is obvious after all.

Some articles were written as well to talk about the differences in men and women’s characteristics. These commentaries, in my opinion, tend to bridge the gap between them thereby intending to make their lives easier in terms of understanding each other’s quirky and distinct personality. Still, what were written seemed not enough to make one understand the other. More often, these two end up in various fights, simply because they misunderstood each other.

Being a member of the female specie, here are but some of the many things I just don’t get about men.

I could not understand why men find it difficult to comprehend hints when the signs being given them are pretty obvious. Most of the time, they needed to be told exactly what you want to tell them or they would miss your point. It would be rather unfair to men if I take this case as an instance of intellectual incompatibility, with women having higher intellect than men do of course. It would also be hasty to think that men have slower comprehension. Probably, this is but a circumstance of low emotional quotient. Needless to say, men are apathetic.

I also could not figure out why men tend to forget important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries. If their partners are as important as they claim them to be, how come they seem to overlook dates of great significance? There are men whom I personally know who needed to reminded what a particular day it was just so they could remember. I am not so sure whether men are prone to amnesia or they just have problems retaining certain memories.

There many men as well who find it hard to say exactly what they feel about a particular person or situation, which I could not figure out. These men make talking out loud seemed so laborious. From saying what they truly feel about a person to telling what they think of a certain situation they find themselves in, they definitely rate as F…as in failure. The world would have been a better place if these men speak their minds. Adjustments would have been made and amicable settlements would have been negotiated if there is awareness of what is running in these men’s minds. They create a magnitude of barrier that hampers the success of any communication process.

To wrap up my list, I could not comprehend why most men are polygamous. Most of them seem to find so much pleasure in having hundreds of women wrapped around their arms. In my point of view, nothing about having so many girls is rewarding. Economically speaking, having numerous women to maintain is impractical. Men have to shell out considerably generous amounts just to finance dates or gifts given that they have many girls in tow. Being with a number of women at the same time is emotionally and physically taxing as well. Men need to be at particular place at a particular time and be at another in less than a flash. These men have to deal with the different personalities that their girls have, which is emotionally draining. It must be the “macho” mentality that these men do what they do yet to me, they end up proving themselves as nothing but egotistic.

I am no man hater. I am simply airing out the things that makes men so incomprehensible. However bad I might have portrayed them to be, there are also numerous things that make them so endearing. But of course, that is another article.

The ground floor of the office was jam-packed. There was an ocean of faces most, of which I have seen for the first time. Most of the people were standing since the limited space could only offer limited number of seats yet everyone was clearly anticipating for the afternoon’s affair to start. As I went pass through the pensioners, there were some that greeted and waved at me. I was trying to recall from where have I met the enthusiastic faces that welcomed me. However hard I tried plus the fact that I meet so many people at work every single day, I could no longer remember our first meeting. Being the “polite person” that I am (Isko would rather call me pulitiko than polite), I waved backed at them and greeted them with my nicest hello.

After exerting effort just to get through the crowd, I was finally standing in front of close to 200 individuals. It was not the biggest crowd I have hosted for. In fact, it was one of the smallest. If I hold on to my previous experiences, entertaining those people would have been a piece of cake but it was the first time for me to be doing a stint with mostly old people in my audience. I was truly nervous. I did not know what to expect making it impossible for me to prepare contingency plans. Just before I started, I prayed that my wit and charm (yeah, I have that at times) would be enough to get me through the entire program.

With the usual lines, I welcomed everyone to the annual celebration of the Pensioners’ Day. I must admit that they all looked so relieved the moment I spoke since it suggested that the activity was finally starting. After my bosses gave their welcome remarks, the games then started that also commenced the unending laughter that highlighted our day.

Everything that happened during the entire celebration was totally unexpected. The “oldies” were surprisingly attentive and were participating in all the activities that we have prepared for them. Some volunteered to do song numbers while another displayed his talent in playing the harmonica. The game show-like program we have initially arranged eventually turned out to be a variety show.

If the smiles and the laughter we shared that afternoon were enough bases to judge the success of our activity, then we have accomplished. More than what our bosses would say about the event, the momentary happiness we have imparted to the pensioners was more than enough compensation for the hard work and the effort we have exerted.

I have to acknowledge that being with the pensioners gave me so many realizations. They proved me that aging gracefully is a possibility; they made me realize that age is merely numbers. The fun they contributed to the program made me recognize that a person’s zest to live life fully does not dwindle even as they get older. Yeah, the “oldies” are no tight asses really. Most of the time, they may be just facing so many challenges that they may seem inflexible.

I never had so much enjoyment in all my hosting stint other than that afternoon. Honestly, the excitement of spending time with the child in each of them simply waiting to come out to play and have fun was incomparable.

I had a difficult time sleeping last night. No matter how hard I closed my eyes, my mind seemed not ready to rest. The work that I left at the office, the readings my professors asked us to study, the plans that I want to pursue right away, and the little problems that I have kept bothering me. It was one of those days.

On times like last night, I wish I could just rise above all my concerns. I wish I could just drift into a good night sleep and visit dream land. However, on times like last night, not all these wishes come true even if I keep crossing my fingers.

Overly rationalizing things may not be so healthy after all.

My Beb and I had dinner last Sunday. As usual, we decided to splurge just as our resources are running out. But heck! We do not actually care. I am not so sure whether we do it because we love the thrill of being dirt poor for days or simply because we love to spend time with each other that money never really matters.

Anyway, we went to this not-so-expensive yet not-so-cheap “Ihaw-ihaw”, where they serve the best free soup (probably the best in Davao City). Yeah, the barbecued chicken and Sinuglaw (Sinugba ug Kinilaw) is just as good as well.

Just as we were waiting for our food, we started talking about my friend (whom my boyfriend also knows) whose life is taking a topsy-turvy these days. Last year (I think) she had her first boyfriend who (my other friends said) promised to give her “the moon and the stars” (tsk, girls can truly be caught up with utopian promises). They got so intimate with each other that one day she found out she was pregnant. Naturally, her family got so disappointed in her. But instead of asking for forgiveness, she eloped with her man who took her to a very inconvenient life.

From what our common friend told me (this common friend visited her at her boyfriend’s house), the barong-barong that her boyfriend took her to shelters two other families. The area has poor sanitation and is clearly not very healthy especially for pregnant women like her.

To make things worse, her boyfriend cum live in partner has another woman. Bastard!

The fu*kn bastard could not even provide a relatively good life for my friend and yet he has the guts to take another woman in his arms (I could not believe how other men could be so pigs!). To top all the hardships that my friend was already experiencing, the baby she carried in her womb for nine months died during birth.

Our common friend told me that this friend of ours is already suicidal. The death of her kid and of the relationship she had with her bastard boyfriend was too much for her to handle.

Recently, this friend went missing and no one knows for sure where in the world is she. Well, we could only hope that she is fine. We could only hope that she could still see the other (and definitely a lot better) side of her entire situation. With the end of her relationship and the death of her child, she could start anew. She could start looking for a job to support herself. She could go back to her family and ask for their forgiveness. She could use all her pain as motivation for her to achieve greater feats. She could, if only she would.

After all, life is a matter of choices.