Outdoorsy

I just finished reading Paulo Coehlo’s Veronika Decides To Die. For so long, I have been dying to read this book that talks about a young beautiful woman who attempted suicide though she seems to have almost everything she wants but I just could not get hold of it. You see, every time I get so agitated to buy myself a copy of the book, something always comes up. It is either Weng and I splurged both our salaries on clothes and food or we have too many obligations to pay that buying the book becomes the least priority. For some time, I was contented with dropping by National Bookstore to look at the book being displayed along with the other books Coehlo had written.

Anyway, it must have been my fate to read Veronika Decides To Die that on the day I least expected, someone lend me the book saying that I should read it because its good. Expectedly, I got all so excited about reading it that I was scanning through its pages even while I was in my Fiscal Administration class. Coehlo did not disappoint me. His words were simple yet he was taking to Slovenia, right where Veronika was.

Veronika’s story is not extraordinary. She simply exemplifies all others, who get so tired about their cyclical (read boring) lives consequently leading them to think that living is but a waste of time. Yeah, I was her (except that she appears to be prettier and she had more boyfriends). However, the circumstances that led me to realize that living is actually a gift came in different form.

At a point in my life, I actually thought of committing suicide (go psycho!). Everything was going on a downhill for me. Nothing made sense that the most reasonable thing to do was end my life.

In committing suicide, however, I did not want to slash my wrist or jump from a building (Veronika and I had the same dilemma). Eeeewwww! I could not watch the blood gush out from my wrist nor do I want people visiting my wake to think of how unpretty I look inside my coffin (jumping would make look so ugly). The only choice left was drink poison (Veronika chose to drink loads of sleeping pills) yet I was also hesitant doing it dreading that I may not like the taste. Expectedly, I was not able to pursue my plans though the drive to commit suicide was still there.

Days went by. There were changes with how things were going for me. I began a new relationship; I was starting a promising work that gradually I found hope that better things are yet to come. Just as everything was going well, I was diagnosed to have tumor that was growing in my pelvic area. Right! I was devastated of course. The doctor told me it could be the big C and that we could only hope for the best.

I literally broke down when I went home after seeing my doctor. I was inconsolable. Not even the encouraging words my parents were telling me made me feel better and secure that everything is going to be okay. At the time when dying is a possibility, I realized I was not ready to give up all the happiness, fun and excitement plus the hardships, misery and boredom that comes with living.

It has been a year since the operation. It turned out that the tumor was non-cancerous, much to my relief. There are still times when I think of committing suicide yet I have conceded that it should never be option; its just not worth it. I have settled with crying and whining just to take out all my frustrations. They may not eliminate the problem entirely but doing those things take out some of the load I was carrying.

Just like Veronika, I continue to live each day. It's just a matter of attitude.