Outdoorsy

I was trying to pull something to wtite for my blog. It has been weeks since I last posted anything and I thought it would be wonderful to write about the experience I have had during last election (which was two weeks ago!How updated is that huh?) or the movie date that my brother Czyryll and I had the other weekend (we watched Shrek Third and there is a lot to write about that film). However, I cannot seem to gather my thoughts that midway through the article, I just delete all that I have written.

Bloggong should have relieved me from all the anxiety I have been getting lately yet at this point, it seems to contribute to my stress as well. Duh! It is either my brain is on a sleep mode that I cannot extract any creative juices or I may have been so caught up with all my worries that even if I want to be really productive, I just cannot be one at the moment.

A lot has happened lately. I got sick and am still taking my meds to get better (these are really expensive and most of my money goes to these meds). I got so frustrated over a failed four-day vacation. I had a fight with some very close people and although we're okay now, I am afraid that the fight we had might forever scar our relationship.

With everything that happened, the succeeding events that occurred became so uneventful. It is though as if nothing could ever happen...nothing that could at least make me feel a little bit better.

On times like this, I just want to get lost. I just want to be away from everything.

A few days before election and political advertisements seem to take up much of the airing time of television programs. From posting their achievements, be it political or personal, to promising what they could do should they be elected, these politicians seem to be desperate just so they could win.

They dance. They sing their jingles. They get their hands raised by distinguished personalities. They secure endorsements from whoever seems to be famous at the moment. They capitalize on almost everything and everybody they could get their hands on.

And what are all these fuss for? Just so they could be elected in the posts they are running for.

It is kind of ironic that in a poor country such as the Philippines, politicians seem to be betting their all just to be elected. They shell out huge amounts to fund their campaigns and they tirelessly take on the road to shake the hands and even make “beso-beso” with the voting public.

Like all the others, I could not help but ask. Is what they are doing all for their love of the country and of the Filipinos worldwide? Are these politicians really that willing to be millions of pesos poorer just so they could aid in improving the educational system, alleviating the people’s standard of living and even developing the country’s economic standing? I cannot help but be skeptic considering the circus this campaign has turned into.

True. There may be people who are selfless enough to share what they have for the benefit of the majority. There are those who are willing to sacrifice their resources just so they could help. However, how does one actually distinguish the people with good intentions against those who are nothing but power-hungry corrupt monsters?

As the third installment of Spiderman formally opened in theaters last week, hundreds of anticipating faces flocked to witness the seemingly unending saga of Mr. Spidey. There were some who came to witness the promised jam-packed action complete with hardcore animation, others came to see how Peter Parker aka Spiderman would eventually conquer the evil in him and still there were the hopeless romantics who wanted to watch how the story of Spidey and his lady love Mary Jane would eventually turn out. For whatever reason, what is certain was the fact that the world seemed to be glued with Spiderman.

In Davao City, the Spiderman mania was truly on high as one mall devoted all six of its theaters to showing Spiderman. It was indeed a gamble on their part but I guess they decided just right. The certified blockbuster film had Davaoeños waiting in long lines in all of their six theaters. To top that, people were standing inside these theaters as they gave their full attention to the web-swinging creature on screen.

In all curiosity, I went to see for myself what were the long lines and the standing position was all about. I was with my Churva friend Ruth last Saturday when I finally decided to gave in to the temptation of watching Spiderman.

As expected, the first few minutes of the movie immediately gave way to the action filled chase between New Goblin aka Harry, Peter Parker’s old friend, and Spiderman. From there, the movie slowly unfolded into how Harry and Peter redeemed their friendship through an accident, how Spiderman became so consumed with his desire to avenge his Uncle Ben’s death that gave way to the Evil Spidey, and how good overcomes the evil in the end.

Spiderman 3 was by far more interesting compared to the two other episodes, I think. Apart the well crafted action coupled with awesome animation (I love how they did Mr. Sandman!), the movie showed that even one of the world’s most celebrated superhero could also be so engrossed with himself leading him to commit faults he would lament in the end.

The movie showed that even Mr. Spidey could be one of the growing number of flirt and unmindful male specie, who at a certain point their lives, make stupid mistakes that almost cost them the true love of their lives (bato-bato sa langit ang tamaan huwag magalit J). It also showed that although a superhero as good, as timid and as calm as Spiderman, there are things that could push them so hard making them do things they would eventually regret. Spidey err Peter Parker also depicted the typical human being, who seems to be hungry for more power and more glory even if they are already immensely enjoying all of those.

Yeah… I love how the story presented that Superhuman as he is, Spidey is not perfect.

I had to drag myself out of the bed this morning. It is not that I slept late last night causing me feel tired. In fact, I slept just on time…nine to be exact. The feeling of exhaustion must have come from the fact that it has been a week since he left for more than a moth-long seminar/workshop/community immersion in Indonesia and Thailand.

For the first time in the four years we have been together, he went away for a very long trip. I swear I wanted to faint as I saw him walk past me and on to the departure area of the airport. I was close to tears yet I had to held it back. He would not want me to cry.

If only I could, I would have gone with him. However, that is clearly impossible. So, here I am writing this blog as I try to take on another uneventful day without him.

I terribly miss how he would imitate my facial expression then say “Sosyal!” as my reaction to almost everything he would say. I miss his telephone calls in the morning just as I was starting to battle the long day ahead. I miss the text messages he sends me from time to time telling of nothing important. I miss walking at the mall while holding his hand. I guess I could go on and on and list all of the things I miss about him. After all, he is amazing to be with.

He may be far from being perfect yet no one could ever take his place. He is my best friend, my worst enemy, my closest ally, and my evil instigator. He is all that and more.

And until he comes back, I would be left alone to do the things we usually do together.

(It is just so hard to cope up with the absence of someone very dear and important. I just could not imagine how people who have to deal with the loss of a loved one make it through each day without their special someone. Thus, with all admiration, I salute all those who lost someone dear yet who bravely conquer everyday to make it through their tough time. Special salutation to my Toh Noli who recently lost his wife Sally to cancer for making it through the “storm” and for doing the best job of being a mom and a dad to my cousins Chelo and Carl Noli.)

When the breeze of newfound love fills the air, the heart seems to leap ceaselessly. Life appears to be much colorful, more bearable. Even without a reason, people who have found a new bud of love smile more often. They laugh louder, heartier. People, at this point of loving, could only see the best things in life making them happier than ever. Then the dilemma sets in.

Days pass by. Petty fights and insignificant issues haunt the relationship. Although the stroke of love is present, lovers seem to have lesser tolerance at each other’s mistakes. And when things fueled by quarrel start to blow out of proportion, love dies. People separate and off they head on to another relationship.

However, luckier couples make it through the difficult times. These mates choose to hold on to each other come heaven or hell. They exert effort to keep that love burning and constantly think of ways to reinvigorate what they have.

Love and relationship is indeed hard work.

So to speak, it is not a walk in the park. It is something to be nurtured when found. How love and relationships go solely depends on the persons involved. If they remain committed to each other and to what they have, then the probability of them ending up together for the rest of their lives is relatively high.

Truly, love and relationship is a lot of hard work.

I should have written this at the start of the new year but hey who says I cannot do this list at this time of year? Duh, this is not a New Year’s resolution. So here goes…

The start of the year was not very appealing to me. I hate to think that the curse of the past year was trying to follow me until now yet I could not think of any other reason why things seem not to fall in their proper places. Call me bitter. I could not care less.

And so after facing yet another hell week (which has been a real roller coaster ride of emotions), I had this brilliant idea of listing down the things I would want to happen or achieve at the end of this year (hopeless optimist?). Should I remain focused, I hope to see the things in this list become realities. I hope for no more unwanted circumstances.

This year …

a. I want to try travelling alone. In my 23 years of existence, I have never tried going to another place by myself and I think it’s high time to attempt doing so. I have to admit that during most of my travels, I tend to be really dependent on the people I am with. So this year, I want it to be different! I want to visit place/s I have never been to and be totally independent. I guess it would be fun to run around a strange place, get lost and be on my home not knowing for sure how I have done it.

b. I want to enrol in Law School. I am not exactly the type of person you would ever think of becoming a lawyer. I am way too “kikay” to be in court. But my personality does not entirely say what I am capable of. Now that I have thought of it, I am probably Reese Witherspoon’s character in Legally Blonde.

c. I want to learn how to swim and go scuba diving. In UP, we were always told to either sink or swim. Back then, I chose to swim and be on my top shape to finish school on time. In real life, however, I never learned how to swim, which left me sinking in the water all the time. So, I want to learn how to swim. After all, I never know when it’s going to come in handy. After learning how to swim (and finally braving the water), I want to go scuba diving and see for myself what wonders are to be found under the sea. I have heard raving comments about the beauty under water and it would definitely be nice to experience the splendour others are so found of by myself.

d. I want to try designing a dress and have it made. I am the hopeless “fashionista”, true. I see so many styles inside my head that at times I think I could be a designer. Bad news…I do not know how to sketch my designs. Therefore, seeing my design made into a real dress would be so satisfying. I may not have the occasion to wear that dress to but then again, I might be invited to an event in which I would have good use for my dress.

e. I hope to buy a car. I may not be earning that much but I can always have a loan right? Buying it may be more of a liability than an asset but I need it. Once I get into Law School, chances are I would have to go home at the time when there is no more tricycle available. Having to ride a taxi every night until I graduate would make those operators filthy rich because of my money. So, might as well have my own ride

f. I hope to learn Capoiera. I really get jealous of the people who know Capoiera. They seem to have so much fun while doing their moves that I often wish I know how to do the same stuff. I have not found, as of yet, any gym in Davao City that teaches such so I am still looking for a place where they offer Capoiera for me to start grooving.

g. I hope to move to my own little haven. I loved the independence I have had when I was in a dormitory back in college. Then, I had to take care of my self and my stuff since neither my mom nor my aunt was there to do that for me. I learned to live by noodles and crackers for weeks. I knew how to wash clothes without spending the whole day doing so. I think it is exciting to have that kind of life again at this point. I would have to live within my means and that would be a great challenge considering I am a real spender. Having my own place would also allow me to exercise my creativity. I could design the interior of my place and choose the home furnishings that I want. I could paint my wall with loud colors and have my furniture in earth tones…very much like what I often see at the spa. I have this “Oriental” interior in my mind and I know it would be so cool to have it become a reality.

h. I hope to have a weeklong vacation by the beach. Given the opportunity to do, I hope to stay at a remote vacation house located near the beach. I would love to doze off on a “duyan” and feel the soothing sound of waves rushing to the sea. I would love to smell the fresh air of the beach and feel the sun on my skin. I would be bringing books and read it coupled with fresh “buko” juice. Hmmmm…wonderful treat.

I told you this is no New Year’s resolution. Though the first quarter of the year is almost over, I am hoping, praying and keeping my fingers crossed that all these shall become realities. Armed with my list, I hope to have a better year ahead although the curse of the past seems to be following me.

I woke up with extra energy than usual. I hurriedly took a bath, got dressed for work, ate my delicious breakfast, brushed my teeth and promptly headed to work.

This has always been the case when it is Friday.

On other workdays, I feel so sloppy. I find it so hard to drag myself out of the bed to prepare for work. Although I rarely get to the office late, the time I spend to get ready for work is such a blah-blah that I often think about taking a leave. What has kept me from doing so is the fact that I can convert my leave credits into cash and I need the money.

However, I feel invincible on Fridays. Work is such a breeze that before I knew it, my 7 to 4-job is done.

How could I get rid of my Friday Syndrome? It seems like my body is all geared up for the weekend fun that on Fridays, I tend to be at my best because of the exciting days to come.

Thank God It’s Friday? I say Timing Giyud I’m Free!

My brother Czyryll is such a spoiled brat. It must be our 12-year age gap plus the fact that he is the only kid at home that made him one. He always gets what he wants since he knows he is the baby in the family. Well, he may not be a real baby in all sense of the word (he is already 11; much bigger and much heavier than my mom and I) but we treat him like one.

Guilty! We are to blame for how he is acting.

Anyway, one lazy Sunday morning, he went inside my room and headed towards my bed. He asked me to move so he, too, could sleep on my soft clean sheets. I was not really in the mood to cuddle and bond with him that moment since I was still so sleepy that I turned my back on him. Then, he tagged me from behind so I turned to face him.

My little bro was sheepishly smiling that I knew right away that he was up to something. So asked him what he wanted. In reply he just said, “Wala lang gud te. Namiss lang tika. One week gud ka wala. Langga-langga lang gud ta”. However, I was not so convinced with what he said. “Sure ka? Basi naa kay kinahanglan sa ako. Sige nah. Sulti dayon. Basi mabungol na ko unya di na jud hinuon nako madungog unsa imung gusto. Bahala ka’. He was still hesitant. “Sige, matulog sa ko ug balik. Mataha lang ko kung musulti na ka”, I told him. “Ayyy, ate pod oi! Sige na gud”. Silence. Then he finally said. “Te, dili na lang ko papalit cell phone with camera. Paliti na lang kog guitar. Kana na lang imung graduation gift sa ako”.

I was right after all. He was not inside my room because he missed me. He was there because he wanted something from me.

“Gitara?! Heller? Kabalo ba diay ka magtugtog? ”, I asked. Ever willing to air out his side, he said “Dili. Kaya gani ko papalit para naa koy praktisan”.

“Wait lang ha. Pwede isipon sa nako? Besides, wala baya jud ko nagsulti palitan tikag cell phone”, I said. “Te, mas barato man ang gitara. Afford na jud nah nimu oi. Pleasssssssseeeee”, he pleaded with eyes almost close to tears.

I knew he was not really going to cry. He is an actor after all … an actor who has mastered his craft through years of constant practice. I knew he was pretending yet he was starting to break my heart. So I asked him, “Unya, kung palitan tika, unsa man akong makuha? Alangan naman pang gift lang ang gitara. Mahal kaya gihapon nah”. He was not able to answer for a while. “Sige te, magbinut-an ko. Maghugas kog plato. Magstudy ko sa akong lesson. Tanan grades nako buhaton nako line of 8. Magtuo ko kay mama, papa ug sa imu. Sige na te. Pleasssssssseeeee lang jud. Paliti ko bah’, he finally said.

Enjoying how frail he looked while he was pleading, I went on with the conservation. After all, moments like that do not usually happen. He does not usually plead. He just demands and show that bratty attitude should his whims not be given.

I said, “Mahal man jud nah oi. Dili ko ka-afford”. He must have figured it all out since he said “Tunga na lang gd mo ni Kuya ______”, referring to my beau, “kani na lang inyong gift sa ako”.

Brilliant! He really got it all figured out.

So, I finally gave in. “Ok. Storyahon nako si kuya”. He went closer to me, gave me a kiss on my cheek and real tight hug. Then he said, “Thank kaayo te. Happy kaayo ko”.

It has been months since Czyryll and I had the conversation. Although he would be graduating soon, I have not looked for the guitar he was asking for but I intend to keep my promise… I am buying him one.

Since the time we had that talk, he exerted effort to keep his word. True enough, he strive to wash the dishes, obey my parents and me, study his lessons and maintain grades not lower than 80 (which is unlikely by the way because he is such a brat).

With all that he did just so he can have his guitar, I could not dare to break his heart. I intend to keep my word the way that Czyryll has kept his. Should I disappoint him, I am certain he would never believe any word I say…he would never endeavor to keep his promise as well.

I am not perfect for him to emulate. I just want him to believe in me.

Through the very simple gesture of buying him that guitar, I know he would trust me…my words.

For a trust that was lost is hard to regain; I would not want that to happen to my brother and me.

* It has been a long time since I have written anything. The last five months have not been so nice that it has kept me from writing something. Anyway, I am slowly coping up with the loss of someone dear, getting used to the current state of my heart and enjoying my prolonged singlehood. With that said, here is my first entry for the year…my first after a very long time.

My day was physically taxing. The Outland Adventure my classmates in Masters Program and I had left me almost dead. I swear! The challenges prepared for our group was truly exhausting that at this moment my arms and my legs are killing me in pain.

Earlier today, we had to do the Great Wall of Outland Adventure (wherein we were asked to go over a 20 feet high wall without using any ropes), Vertical Playpen (which is not exactly the playpen I had in mind since the tires and the logs were all suspended in the air and we had to reach the bell hanged 30 feet above ground), Cat Walk (where we had to walk through a log suspended 30 feet above ground), Trapeze Jump (that made us look like super hero wannabes since we had to jump 30 feet above ground) and the Zip Wire (where we had to cross a river to get to the adjacent bundok and go back again by hanging on a cable wire), which all required much physical endurance.

Yeah, they were not easy. I even felt like I was going to shit because of fear and exasperation while doing some of the dares. However, the adrenaline rush was too much that I was able to finish each challenge without losing my sanity (hehehehe).

I am not sure whether I would be given another chance to experience the same adventure. But should I get another opportunity, I would still go for all the challenges even if I already know how hard and exhausting the dares could be. After all, the escapade gave me more than just body pain.

The dares I went for earlier also taught me that life itself is a great challenge. More specifically, it has taught me that; a.) there are times when we have to do a somersault or jump off a tall post; b) there are occasions when we need to say yes to all challenges in order to learn more; c) there are instances when we need to let go of inhibitions to experience some of the best things in life; and d.) there are circumstances when challenges bring more than just hurt, it could also lead to so much enjoyment.

My body is still in pain. In a day or two, the soreness would be gone but the things I have learned will live in me.

He said…

I play with words, true.

But this is not my faculty to

sway lexis, sentences, and paragraphs

to a melodic refrain;

When my words shudder to

The sound of your voice,

seeking out all the nuances to your tone,

The density of your inflections

In the attempt to

Fashion a worthy tribute.

In your presence, as your purrs

Turn to roars; the words play me.

I am older, true.

In have breathed in much more

molecules and sauntered on extra paces

to close the gap to my mortality.

The rising of eyebrows in reply

To an unwelcome remark would send

Off a warning, not threatening, but

Rather evoking a hidden smile,

Like a private joke shared among friends.

With your naiveté, my defenses weaken.

With your complexity, my age condenses.

My memories drift, true.

But I remember fully your eyes

when we first met.

Shifting quickly between faces,

I could almost see your mind

Racing to lay the people behind the names

deciding who to welcome or discard.

I remember fully your birthday,

when you tucked an unruly hair from

behind your ear as you gazed down, smiling.

The golden light from the café bathed

your dusky skin into an almost bronzed tint.

I nursed my coffee for what seemed

An eternity but I knew it was just a flash.

My memories may drift,

But I take that moment with me to the grave.

You’ve grown, true.
No longer that wide-eyed girl who followed

Her daddy’s every move.

You braved bullets for an ideology,

Loved, scorned, and dared to love again.

Your smiles now hint at a secret.

A mystery that men seek to unravel.

I committed to memory your body’s every

curve, nook, recesses, and

each velvety corner.

More than any man, I know

What fills you; by the way you arched your back

in pleasure. Yet, I, too, am privy to that secret –

the mystery that you hint.

You’re a woman now,

And yet you’re still a girl, still

Looking to follow her daddy’s every move.

You’ve grown; and yet

Stayed similar.

Three years hence,

You’re no longer the same, as I.

This is not a love poem.

This is a tribute,

To the strong woman metamorphosed

From a timid and insecure child.

This is a work of gratitude

For the man that I’ve become –

Because of you.

This is not a love poem.

But your smell suddenly waft

Through the air just now, ever so subtly.

Don’t ask me how.

I’m drunk with your smell, even

If it’s just from my memory.